Sunday, May 18, 2008

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Welcome to my pity party. Won't you sit down and make yourself comfortable? If you don't feel like listening to me whine, go ahead and step away from the blog.

I feel over worked and under appreciated.

I've written this post several times already and I've deleted every one of them. I don't want to sound ungrateful for the things that I have. I have the two most beautiful children in the world. I have a great husband. I have a job; I have a car; I have many things that others may not be able to afford. I feel like I should emphasize that my feeling of being over worked has nothing to do with being a mother...at all. It's everything else. Working night shift, getting far less sleep than I need, cleaning up constantly...it's a lot. It's never ending, actually. Now I feel like I should say that I wouldn't change my life at all - I just wish I could juggle it a bit better. I want a house that I'm not embarrased about people coming into. I want clean floors and less clutter. I want more time and energy to clean. I want to make a lot of home improvements that are going to cost a fair amount of money and lots of time...time that I don't have right now. I want to be able to go one month and save money. Gah...I want, I want, I want. As much as I want to delete this post, I'm not going to. Maybe I'll read it again in a month and realize I have nothing to complain about and Jebus, what in the hell was wrong with me when I wrote this.

*Because I'm superstitious, plus my habit of feeling guilty over every single thing: I want to say that I am glad I have a job; I wouldn't trade my husband or kids for anything in the world (including a clean house and all the sleep I can possibly imagine). Even though the night shift hours are not my favorite, it's the best for our family. It means no daycare for the kids; one of us is always home with them. Really. It's true.*

In my head, this post was going to be eloquent and it sounded much better than when I typed it out. Now I feel like a brat and a complainer. Uggh...perhaps I should just stop now before this gets worse.


2 comments:

Michelle Smiles said...

Oh quit apologizing girl! You have every right to have days where it feels like everything you have to juggle is sucking the life out of you. We all have those days and I don't even have a job away from home to throw into the mix. Whine away! Sometimes a good whine is all that helps. (Or a good wine.) Part of the beauty and joy of blogging is that this is your space to say what you need and want to say. Give yourself a break. No one will measure you against Martha Stewart so don't worry so much about your floors. I find the key is knowing what can slide when I hit those times. (Or a good wine.)

joy-c said...

jenn goth...we love you :D