Sam has been asking some pretty heavy questions lately and I can only imagine what is going on in that little head of his. It always starts out the same; "Why did Mama and Daddy get married?", he'll ask. I tell him that his daddy and I love each other and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. He'll think for a moment and then he'll ask, "But what about that lady? The lady with the baby in her tummy?". He, of course, is asking about his birth mother. I'll start to explain, in very simple words, about his birth mother and her situation. Sam will usually say something about Bill and I coming to get him to bring him to his "new home" (his words). I always ask him if he has more questions and let him know that I will always answer whatever questions I can for him. I don't want to push more on him than he wants, but I never want him to feel like he can't ask or talk to me about it. For the past few times that he has brought this up, he gets very angry a little while later. It will be something simple, like us telling him he can't play a video game, and he will start to cry and tell us that he doesn't like us anymore. He hates us. As he's saying those things, I can tell he knows what he is saying is hurtful and that he doesn't mean them. He has even written it down on paper a few times. I can't say that it doesn't hurt. It does; it feels like a million daggers in my heart. I'm not sure if part of this is testing and just being five; I have a strong feeling that he is trying to work on some feelings regarding adoption and he is having trouble verbalizing his fears or questions. A little while after he has these episodes, he becomes very clingy and tells us that he is sorry and he doesn't hate us. All I can say when he tells us he hates us is "that's okay if you feel that way, but I love you no matter what". When he apologizes, I re-emphasize that I love him so much and if he needs to talk about anything I am here for him.
I plan on getting some age appropriate adoption books this week and we will read them together. Hopefully that will help us out.